Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm part of the prozac nation.

Hi I'm Z and I'm on antidepressants.

And i know I'm not the only one.

This is only a recent development only since December and its only a very low dose, but its something i probably should have done years ago but tried to deal with it myself.

I have been a cutter since i was about 12. I had the perfect home life but was bullied continuously at primary and high school for various reasons. One day I started self medicating my pain inside by using pain outside to understand it.
I wasn't one of those annoying people who did it for attention, I lied, I hid it and I did it well. I made sure never to cat deep enough to leave a lasting scar. Even mum mum had no idea until 8 or 9 years later that it was even happening, ad we have a close relationship. I knew what i was doing would upset her so I didn't tell her and just came up with better ways of hiding it.

I have been told by a psychologist that although i am very mature for my age I am emotionally immature, I can't understand the more complex emotions I am feeling so lump them in to the basics....... happy, sad, angry and that's about it.

Its similar for me to the way I have heard anorexics describe their disease, its a power thing, if you cant control whats happening around you you can still control what goes into your body. I could control what happened ON my body.

For almost ten years I battled with this habit, its wasn't an obsession, more of just a bad habit when things got too hard.

I had ex boyfriends who threatened to leave me when they knew i was doing it if i did it again. I had one who did 10 cuts for every one of mine. It didn't stop me. I just became a better story teller about how i had hurt myself. always mundane things....blaming my clumsiness.....I don't know if i was always believed but i was never questioned further.

I never wanted to die, I just wanted to hurt.

I haven't done it now since i fell pregnant with giggle girl. I realised it wasn't about me anymore and i didn't want my child to pick up my bad habits.

The anti depressants were a trail thing to begin with, to see if depression was causing my weight issues. As soon as i started taking them i felt like the black tangled mess of string in my head unraveled. I was calmer and able to be in the moment more rather than thinking about what was next.

Since starting the meds i feel like i have been a better mother, a better wife and a nicer less angry person in general.

Its not a forever thing but its working for now, i don't want to spend the rest of my life relying on medication to keep me balanced.

Love and Smiles


Sarah said...

Your post made me cry in a good way! You know a little about my story! But thank you for sharing yours. It'sd so hard to admit when you need a little bit of help in my case 100mls of help to get you though those thoughts.

xoxox Love you hun.

Multiverse Dancer said...

You really need to watch the movie "Psychiatry An Industry of Death". Medication is only suppressing what needs to be dealt with. You need to learn to love yourself the most. I wish you the best in your healing. Namaste.